there's this odd feeling I've been becoming more in-tune with lately, it's this sort of realization that I haven't been respecting my own life. this isn't about physical health, it's a lot more of a mental thing

ive known im a girl for four years. out for almost two. why am I not on HRT?
it hasn't been a priority for me when it honest to God should have been for a fucking while. i yearn to be seen as myself so bad, yet I'd convinced myself that somehow I was happy just because people knew and treated me slightly different now

That's not the goal! Respect is good, but I need to feel like a woman. This pity/respect is so important as a start but it needs to become inherent and unignorable. And I just haven't put any effort in! My mom and sister are really the only reason I have any different clothes, my mom's really the only main reason I've gotten name change and drug stuff pushed along. I've been pathetic! When you want something you should chase it! I fucking need this! I need to feel my chest grow, I need to feel my body shift. I need it. And I've been denying that out of some fear or repression

What a weird fucjing feeling. I'm re-reading what I've typed and I'm just crying. Why am I allowed to feel so inherently wrong       and I know it can be fixed I just grahhajajhhhhh